Two Men and a Couch

[The lights come up on two men sitting on a pink couch, center stage.  The man sitting on the SR end of the couch (MAN1) is dressed casually in jeans and an I'm with stupid shirt, sporting an arrow pointing to the other man (MAN2).  MAN1 wears socks but no shoes and has a large bowl on his lap from which he pretends to eat.  MAN2 is dressed in a suit with the top button of his shirt undone and his bright red tie done loosely so that it hangs several inches away from his neck.  On the center cushion of the couch sits a remote control.]

[MAN1 reaches for the remote and MAN2 grabs it first, points it at the audience and clicks it.  Some soft classical music and perhaps birdsong begins to play.  The sound of a woman's voice explains something domestic in the distance.]

MAN1: I can't believe you watch the Home and Garden channel.

MAN2: Hey, don't knock it pal.  I watch a couple of hours before going out with Cindy and she can't believe you sensitive and handy I sound after dinner.

MAN1: Do you enjoy it?

MAN2: No, but I sure enjoy what happens after after dinner. [he smiles and settles a little into the couch and puts his hands behind his head]

[pause]

MAN1: [looks at MAN2] sex?

MAN2: Yes sex!

MAN1: Ok, just making sure we were on the same page, as we clearly aren't on the question of entertainment value.

MAN2: Why, because I'm sophisticated and you're ridiculously immature?

MAN1: No, because I enjoy good cinematography and a commissioned storyline while you like hearing someone coo over coral throw pillows.

[MAN2 makes a dismissive sound and they both settle down for a few moments.  In the continuing silence the woman's voice makes an exclamation of delight and clearly says, what gorgeous pillows!]

MAN2: All right, what do YOU think would make good dinner conversation?  [tosses MAN1 the remote.  MAN1 points it at the audience and clicks it, then tosses it back onto the center cushion of the couch.  The music changes to a rendition of the X Files theme.] Are you kidding me?

MAN1: What? [MAN2 takes the remote and changes the channel back] Hey!

MAN2: I can't believe what a kid you are.

MAN1: Are you serious?  You couldn't even understand ten percent of what goes on on that show!

MAN2: Please, its all made-up techno-babble that has no real kind of any scientific application.  None of it really means anything.

MAN1: HA!  You just have such a limited range of perspective that you can't understand the subtle complexities that the storyline implies.  That show is an elaborate commentary on the phenomena of xenophobia in our society today.  It systematically strips bare all of the norms that get bred into us during our formative years and leaves nothing but the shiny pulp of our humanity laid bare to be toasted in the light of day!

MAN2: What?!

MAN1: You spend so much time immersed in your own feeble illusion of reality that you couldn't pry your eyelids open with a crowbar and a jar of the finest seedless strawberry jelly!

MAN2: Um...

MAN1: Your brain has been so molded and hard-wired that it now resembles a soldered cube, a VERY square peg trying miserably to ram its lopsided corners into the existing universal fabric around it, which is a very, VERY round hole!  You're so totally incapable of integrating a new idea into your neural net that if you were presented a fresh concept you would hear a loud pop, and then fall helplessly catatonic for nine hours before erasing the entire incident from your memory in order to resume your pathetic prior state of existence!

MAN2: WHAT?

MAN1: See?  You have no clue what I'm talking about.

MAN2: YOU have no clue what you're talking about!

MAN1: You're just in denial of the truth.  [waves his hands at MAN2] look!  There is no TV!  There is no wall!  [he points at the audience] in fact, out there is row upon row of seats, all of them full of people laughing at your inability to grasp reality! [pretends to eat from the bowl again]

MAN2: Why am I even listening to you?  Your head is empty.  That popcorn bowl is empty, for crying out loud!

MAN1: or IS it?

[MAN2 screams in frustration and clutches at his temples, then rolls off the couch and twitches for a moment before coming to rest on the floor.  MAN1 sets his bowl down and drags MAN2 offstage by his feet, walks back onstage, grabs his bowl, walks to the edge of the stage and tosses it off in the same direction.  He walks back to the couch and sits down, then pulls off his shirt, underneath which he has another that reads Stupid isn't here right now.  He stretches casually across the whole length of the couch before pointing the remote at the audience and clicking it.  The lights go down as the music of the X Files begins to play again, and the curtain closes.]